The Andy Griffith Show: Alcohol and Old Lace
Two very nice old ladies run a still in their hothouse, they smile and twitter as they turn in some rival moonshiners to the sheriff and his deputy. The occasional elixir goes up in price, the range of holidays expands to serve a determined clientele.
The elderly sisters and their “flower-making machine” are undone by Opie, who wants some flowers to placate the teacher.
Hogan’s Heroes: The Flight of the Valkyrie
Col. Crittendon is a satire of Big X in The Great Escape, and with a moustache Bernard Fox conveys it. The amazing teleplay introduces Crittendon as the new senior officer in the camp, put there by Col. Klink as a check to Hogan. Crittendon is astounded at the lack of successful escapes, and immediately begins tunneling, all the while Col. Hogan rescues a baroness, retrieves and repairs a crashed aircraft (“We’re all Air Force men”) under the noise of a prisoner orchestra rehearsing Wagner (a Victrola), and has her flown to safety right through the fence, which collapses when Crittendon puts his wire-cutters to it.
It all begins with Klink telling Hogan a joke, which turns out to be very funny, about two racetrack touts.
Hogan’s Heroes: The Prisoner’s Prisoner
English commandos are caught in the act of sabotaging an ammo dump, one is sent to Stalag 13. Hogan and Carter set the charge and kidnap General Schmidt. He is “The Gray Phantom”, a master of escape now in Col. Klink’s purview.
The general’s made to feel the symptoms of “prison plague”, an elaborate malady which finally persuades him to call his second-in-command, by way of Col. Hogan, in Heidelheim where the attack is to commence. Thus the two halves of the mission are fulfilled.
The other commandos are brought to Stalag 13 by telling Klink his prestige is waning, with a map of Russia and Asia on the wall behind him. General Schmidt is first offered Hogan’s services pending the Nazi victory. “What do you want?”, asks the general. “Cleveland,” says Hogan.
Hogan’s Heroes: German Bridge Is Falling Down
Allied bombers fail to destroy the Adolf Hitler Bridge in Braunstadt, despite seeing a clear arrow on the ground pointing in the right direction, formed by Hogan’s men lighting cigarettes after a pre-dawn roll call ordered by Hogan himself to prevent an ill-advised escape attempt, as he courteously explains to Col. Klink, while Sgt. Schultz counts the prisoners.
Carter works to develop an explosive of their own, but fails repeatedly, saying dazedly, “That stuff is really unstable.”
The men cover the ammunition building with pithy sayings, protesting the closure of the recreation hall after the bombing raid, “Hess Is a Mess, Himmler Is a Rat Fink,” etc. Under orders to paint them out (“against all the rules of civilized warfare,” Hogan says), a tarpaulin hides their ingress to the ammunition, which they use to build a bomb that destroys the bridge.
Col. Hogan accedes to Klink’s request for volunteers to rebuild it, this time with “a built-in bomb”, in return for opening the recreation hall.
Hogan’s Heroes: Top Hat, White Tie and Bomb Sight
Outside work is temporarily halted when Col. Klink electrifies the fence (work crews and equipment could be dangerous). Moreover, as part of the same efficiency plan, Col. Hogan’s office is bugged, repeatedly. Therefore, a theatrical production is put on in the manner of a radio drama, reading scripts that establish Hogan as essentially pro-German (the episode begins with Sgt. Schultz receiving from LeBeau “Strudel! Real live strudel!”). The following installment seems to indicate a proficiency with the Norden bomb sight, but the transmission is continually interrupted by a chorus singing “Roll Out the Barrel”.
Gen. Burkhalter is brought in to see Col. Hogan’s diagram of a vacuum cleaner, after all. The bugs are removed.
Hogan’s Heroes: Hogan’s Hofbrau
A Panzer Division parks nearby, and puts the bite on Col. Klink. Hogan goes to town as a German officer, all the staff at the Hofbrau are his men.
An utterly amazing invention. Klink’s difficulties mean Sgt. Schultz must ask Col. Hogan for help, he sees the emergency escape tunnel and refuses to believe it.
Col. Klink himself beholds the senior POW officer in German uniform at the Hofbrau run by prisoners, in a scene delicately poised on the edge of fine farce. The day is saved by timely cash, the Panzer Division is noted.
Hogan’s Heroes: Reservations Are Required
Twenty men break out of Stalag 9, head for Hogan. Cpl. LeBeau finds them while picking mushrooms.
It’s a rush order, time is needed for clothing (LeBeau) and papers (Newkirk). One of the men won’t wait, he and a pal try to escape in a water truck. Col. Hogan extricates them with some difficulty.
The escape is on, but Col. Klink is now reasonably alert, therefore he is allowed to discover one of the tunnels, which is dutifully filled in by Sgt. Newkirk. The midnight alarm brings out Klink in shirt and stocking feet, he stamps his recalcitrant boot on the floor of the barracks, giving Col. Hogan’s prearranged signal to the men from Stalag 9.
Hogan’s Heroes: Hello, Zolle
Major Zolle is a grinning ghoul of a Gestapo man in black leather raincoat and black hat, armed with a listening device for tunnelers and a 1000-yard flashlight equally good for “crushing skulls”. His visit coincides with that of a general commanding the Afrika Korps, who keeps his mistress on the back seat while he renews old times with his college chum, Klink.
London advises he be kept at Stalag 13 for 24 hours, to delay a German advance. He is told the girl is a favorite of Himmler’s.
The Major hears his own SS men on the floor above, breaks through the floorboards and is bashed with a beam as an escaping prisoner.
The General is outfitted as an American flyer to evade the Gestapo, and captured by the Major as yet another escapee.
In North Africa, the Allies advance.
Hogan’s Heroes: The Pizza Parlor
An Italian major fleeing to Switzerland is turned to the Allied cause with a pizza and a chorus of “Santa Lucia”.
The recipe is ordered from Mama Bear on a U.S sub, relayed to London during a blitz, and obtained from a pizzeria in Newark, New Jersey.
The major’s German escort shows up wounded in the air raid that parted them, he denounces the traitor.
Eleven men escape, the major too, he marches them back into camp.
Reports are henceforth sent from Capezio on the number of pizzas made for the Germans barracked there.
Hogan’s Heroes: How to Cook a German Goose by Radar
The new man doesn’t fit in, keeps to himself, won’t share his American cigarettes. Col. Hogan figures to have him transferred out. A wastepaper fire on the Kommandant’s stoop is ascribed to the new man’s “pyromania”. Stalag 18 is run by an officer with a brother-in-law in Himmler’s circle, says Col. Klink.
Cpl. Walter Tillman is actually Gen. Tillman Walters with a vitally important job, as confirmed by a secret message from the BBC.
Bad weather is interfering with raids on German rocket plants, his cigarette pack is a radar unit powered by batteries.
It has to be affixed to a guard tower, Helga poses for a photo shoot as a bathing beauty.
Hogan’s Heroes: Hogan Gives a Birthday Party
The general who studied Hogan’s flying tactics and earned that rank by shooting him down over Hamburg pronounces the colonel “brilliant but at times overelaborate”. Hogan has two pilots, an oil refinery to hit, and a special bomb of Carter’s, “a modification of a German design”.
“I’m inside your head,” says the general, alive to every plot. It’s Hogan’s birthday, the general reminds him, refusing an offer of dinner in the barracks lest he be taken hostage, Col. Klink’s quarters will better serve.
A rival of Klink’s has made general with a study of thumb lengths, Klink is proving the superiority of German pilots to the enemy. The general recognizes Hogan’s touch in the plan.
The two pilots fly the general’s plane with him aboard, bomb the refinery, circle back to let Hogan and his men and a reluctant Sgt. Schultz parachute down to Stalag 13.
Klink reports next day the general took off alone, bombed an oil refinery and defected to England.
Hogan’s Heroes: The Rise and Fall of Sergeant Schultz
Gen. Kammler recognizes his old comrade-in-arms, Sgt. Schultz, the man who saved his life in World War One.
Schultz is made to prevent LeBeau from going over the fence. Col. Klink now has a heroic guard with a powerful protector. “Give him a medal,” says Col. Hogan, “and a raise in grade”.
Gen. Kammler bestows the Iron Cross, Fourth Grade, at an inn where prisoners wait table for the occasion. A certain Becker is extricated from Gestapo hands upstairs.
Kammler goes to the Eastern Front. Schultz is no longer Klink’s darling.
Hogan’s Heroes: Tanks for the Memory
A miniature remote-controlled tank is tested by the Germans under fire from Allied bombers, safer to work in Barracks 12, Stalag 13.
POW Administration in Berlin evidently has a Best-Kept Camp Contest underway, the recreation hall is therefore expanded by the prisoners to run a tunnel to Barracks 12.
LeBeau drives the little tank around the prison yard in a demonstration test for Gen. Burkhalter. Col. Hogan vociferates directions for the windowless driver. The fiasco is achieved, intelligence is dispatched to London.
Hogan’s Heroes: Hogan and the Lady Doctor
A theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai, Dr Lechay arranges to be captured and agrees to work on synthetic fuels for the Nazis so that she can blow up the lab. She’s in command of the operation, explosives are sewn into the hem of her skirt. Col. Klink houses her in Barracks 9, “maximum security but comfortable”, then she’s transferred to quarters at the lab, surrounded by Gestapo sentries.
It’s too late to cancel the plan, she’s given up valuable information to prove her sincerity. Maj. Hoganschmidt of the Inspector General’s Office, Section VIII, storms the Laboratorium with his men, gets her out, sets the charge.
Driving away, Hogan says, “Carter, pull over a little in case that lab wants to pass us.”
Hogan’s Heroes: Colonel Klink’s Secret Weapon
An order of battle is obtained by Col. Hogan when the 3rd Panzer Division drives by the camp, observed through a tunnel periscope. The information is dispatched to London with Lt. Bigelow.
The camp’s low efficiency rating impels Col. Klink to acquire a martinet, Sgt. Franks. He runs everyone ragged, Klink as well, but is exposed as a traitorous incompetent for the Inspector General.
Bigelow has been trapped in the tunnel, fallen under the weight of the Panzers. A dark raincoat and hat prepare his escape.
BIGELOW: Gestapo. You have a prisoner for me. Which one of you is it?
SGT. FRANKS: I am innocent, I will prove it at my trial!
LT. BIGELOW: What trial?
And they drive off into the night.
Hogan’s Heroes: The Crittendon Plan
London requires a convoy of rocket fuel and a tunnel to be exploded. The wrong Colonel Crittendon has a plan for growing geraniums along runways, back to Blighty.
Marco the Resistance fighter has a rule, “No-one touches the girl!” She finds out what’s what in the forest with Crittendon.
Marco nixes the bombers, gets picked up by the convoy. Carter prepares a bomb, Crittendon fumblingly places it under the lead truck, stopped by the sight of the girl on the road. Marco flees and gets a Luger round.
Tunnel and convoy explode. Hogan gets a kiss. Marco revives, “No-one touches the girl!”
Hogan’s Heroes: Some of Their Planes Are Missing
The remarkable image begins with Col. Hogan passed out in a Luftwaffe bed, then wearing a German officer’s uniform to blow up six RAF fighters on a German airfield.
It requires the assistance of a double and the French Underground, and happens under the noses of Col. Klink, Gen. Burkhalter and Col. Leman, known to Hogan as a Stuka pilot in Norway, “Daredevil Dick” they called him.
The former captain is organizing Operation Albatross, “foxes among the sheep”, six Luftwaffe pilots flying off from the coast of France to infiltrate RAF squadrons and raise havoc.
Hogan joins their nightly gathering for “good old pilot talk” and drinks too much.
Hogan’s Heroes: Sergeant Schultz Meets Mata Hari
Schultz is inveigled by a blonde Gestapo agent, Maj. Hochstetter’s plan. Even though he is a sergeant of the guard, he knows nothing of all the sabotage in the vicinity of Stalag 13.
Schultz is getting nowhere with her, either. “Maybe she’s shy,” says Col. Hogan. “So am I, “ Schultz answers him, “but I fight it.” This is “an interkraut matter,” but Hogan arranges to blow up the new armaments factory at Hammelburg, and leave the lady’s handbag as evidence.
“You’re a fool, and what’s worse, you’re a fool’s idea of a fool,” Col. Klink rebukes Schultz. “You’ll march your post in the next war, too.”
The agent is sent to POW camp in England. The sergeant is “not to fall in love for the rest of the war.”